This was not written by me, but some guy named Colin Green somewhere in the comments of a TV Square recap last night. He’s taking the piss, but doesn’t it make perfect sense?
Jack (to Locke): “I don’t have any idea what you are.”
Locke: “Sure you do.”
Jack is fine with this answer.
The Smoke Monster says he appeared to Jack as his father. Why? Because Jack needed to find water. I hope that’s good enough of an explanation for you because that’s as good as it gets on Lost.
The Smoke Monster to Jack: “John Locke wasn’t a believer Jack. He was a sucker.” Man, do I know that feeling.
Claire has a heart to heart with big brother Jack. Strangely, she’s not acting crazy anymore. Locke must have slapped the crazy out of her a few episodes ago… or maybe the actors really have no clue how to play these characters because even they have no clue what’s going on.
Locke, Jack, and Claire return to camp from their chats in the jungle. It’s now daylight. Wow. Those were some long chats.
Sawyer is in the police station with Kate. Kate tells Sawyer that he let her go previously because he went to Australia and didn’t want anyone to know he was there. Kate is a runner, an expert tracker, and a psychic.
Poor man’s Tina Fey who previously proclaimed she was a geophysicist not a mercenary, is now a tough as nails negotiator. Apparently Widmore now thinks he can kill the Smoke Monster with a mortar round… although previously Desmond was the only answer to save the world.
Llana is a lawyer of course. Desmond knows Llana somehow and somehow has been following Claire and somehow gets Claire and Jack together for the reading of their father’s will. Don’t ask any questions. Just go with it.
Locke tells Sawyer to go get the sail boat. Sawyer asks why they aren’t all going together. Locke says, “The bigger the group, the slower it moves.” I guess gravity has a greater effect on a large object thus slowing down the time that it takes it to move from point A to point B.
Sawyer decides he’s going to skip out on Locke and take the sail boat to Hydra island. He asks Kate if she knows how to sail the boat. Surprisingly she does. Runner, expert tracker, psychic, and sail boat captain. That’s our Kate.
Meanwhile, over in the Flash Sideways… Sawyer and Miles go to arrest Sayid. Somehow they figure out that Sayid is at his brother’s house. Hey, these guys are good. Sayid almost gets away but Sawyer tricks him with the old garden hose trip routine because it’s much cooler than just yelling freeze when Sayid walks through the back door.
Here’s where things get interesting… and by interesting I mean really dumb. Sawyer pulls Jack aside and actually says the line, “Listen up because I’m only going to say this once.” I would make an Allo Allo reference here but only a couple people in the UK would get it. So Sawyer easily convinces Jack to not go with Locke… just as easily as Hurley convinced Jack they should go see Locke… just as easily as Jacob convinced Hurley to leave the temple because Locke was coming to kill them…. just as easily as Michael convinced Hurley to get Jack to go see Locke. Don’t think about any of this too much or your head will hurt and you’ll start speaking Korean. Sawyer says he has a deal with Widmore and all this is good enough for Jack. Sawyer tells Jack to round up all the cool kids and sneak away from Locke.
Sayid goes to the well to kill Desmond. Locke can’t do it because there are some vague island “rules” that help hide the fact that Lindelof and Cuse have no rules. The depth of the well has descreased quite a bit. Desmond asks Sayid what he’s going to tell Nadia he did to see her again. Desmond words seem to touch the tiny zombified heart of Sayid- a complete rip off of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. We’re left wondering if Sayid really killed Desmond. The tension is killing me. Really.
Claire, who has a major abandonment issues, is abandoned by the cool kids but makes a crazy face and follows them through the jungle to the sail boat. Claire confronts them, Kate tries to do some dramatic acting, unfortunately is not shot in the heart, and everything is cool before you know it… or is it? Jack ruins everything when he decides to start thinking. Jack thinks maybe they should stay on the island because Locke wants them to leave the island. I’m reminded of a certain incident involving the detonation of a nuke. We’re not going to help detonate the nuke, we’re getting on the sub, now we’re going to help so we’re getting off the sub, now we’re not helping, now we are because I saw you look at her, hey maybe we shouldn’t do this because it could be the thing that caused the incident.
The three major players in this drama are Locke/MIB, Widmore, and Jacob. No one has tried asking any of them any pertinent questions about what is going on. Our band of merry morons are in a life and death situation, have been told the fate of humanity is at risk, and they make decisions based on… what? It’s all contrived silliness to try and create tension and delay moving the plot anywhere. The characters are morons.
The sail boat crew arrives at Hydra island and are met by Widmore’s all-purpose geophysicist/mercenary/Sayid’s nurse/negotiator/gun toting guard. She tells Sawyer the deal is off. Imagine that. Widmore is backing out of the deal. Sawyer should have made him pinky swear. Bad move con man.
And now the big moment no one has been waiting for. Jin pops up on the beach (because he’s apparently able to roam around freely) and is finally reunited with Sun. Years of “Where’s Jin” and “I must find my wife” have finally paid off. Oh, and Sun can conveniently speak English again. I’m glad that plot line paid off well. Lindelof and Cuse are geniuses.
Jack is back on the beach with Locke. Widmore starts firing mortar rounds one at a time from 2 miles away. Jack goes down but Locke carries Bubba to safety Forrest Gump style. This gives him the chance to delvier the line, “It’s OK. You’re with me now” while dramatic music lets me know the plot is really heating up. No really, this time they mean it.
Lost—The Last Recruit: A Cynic’s (Realist’s) Recap
This was not written by me, but some guy named Colin Green somewhere in the comments of a TV Square recap last night. He’s taking the piss, but doesn’t it make perfect sense?
-2010 @ 2:39AM
Colin Green said…
Let’s recap!
Jack (to Locke): “I don’t have any idea what you are.”
Locke: “Sure you do.”
Jack is fine with this answer.
The Smoke Monster says he appeared to Jack as his father. Why? Because Jack needed to find water. I hope that’s good enough of an explanation for you because that’s as good as it gets on Lost.
The Smoke Monster to Jack: “John Locke wasn’t a believer Jack. He was a sucker.” Man, do I know that feeling.
Claire has a heart to heart with big brother Jack. Strangely, she’s not acting crazy anymore. Locke must have slapped the crazy out of her a few episodes ago… or maybe the actors really have no clue how to play these characters because even they have no clue what’s going on.
Locke, Jack, and Claire return to camp from their chats in the jungle. It’s now daylight. Wow. Those were some long chats.
Sawyer is in the police station with Kate. Kate tells Sawyer that he let her go previously because he went to Australia and didn’t want anyone to know he was there. Kate is a runner, an expert tracker, and a psychic.
Poor man’s Tina Fey who previously proclaimed she was a geophysicist not a mercenary, is now a tough as nails negotiator. Apparently Widmore now thinks he can kill the Smoke Monster with a mortar round… although previously Desmond was the only answer to save the world.
Llana is a lawyer of course. Desmond knows Llana somehow and somehow has been following Claire and somehow gets Claire and Jack together for the reading of their father’s will. Don’t ask any questions. Just go with it.
Locke tells Sawyer to go get the sail boat. Sawyer asks why they aren’t all going together. Locke says, “The bigger the group, the slower it moves.” I guess gravity has a greater effect on a large object thus slowing down the time that it takes it to move from point A to point B.
Sawyer decides he’s going to skip out on Locke and take the sail boat to Hydra island. He asks Kate if she knows how to sail the boat. Surprisingly she does. Runner, expert tracker, psychic, and sail boat captain. That’s our Kate.
Meanwhile, over in the Flash Sideways… Sawyer and Miles go to arrest Sayid. Somehow they figure out that Sayid is at his brother’s house. Hey, these guys are good. Sayid almost gets away but Sawyer tricks him with the old garden hose trip routine because it’s much cooler than just yelling freeze when Sayid walks through the back door.
Here’s where things get interesting… and by interesting I mean really dumb. Sawyer pulls Jack aside and actually says the line, “Listen up because I’m only going to say this once.” I would make an Allo Allo reference here but only a couple people in the UK would get it. So Sawyer easily convinces Jack to not go with Locke… just as easily as Hurley convinced Jack they should go see Locke… just as easily as Jacob convinced Hurley to leave the temple because Locke was coming to kill them…. just as easily as Michael convinced Hurley to get Jack to go see Locke. Don’t think about any of this too much or your head will hurt and you’ll start speaking Korean. Sawyer says he has a deal with Widmore and all this is good enough for Jack. Sawyer tells Jack to round up all the cool kids and sneak away from Locke.
Sayid goes to the well to kill Desmond. Locke can’t do it because there are some vague island “rules” that help hide the fact that Lindelof and Cuse have no rules. The depth of the well has descreased quite a bit. Desmond asks Sayid what he’s going to tell Nadia he did to see her again. Desmond words seem to touch the tiny zombified heart of Sayid- a complete rip off of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. We’re left wondering if Sayid really killed Desmond. The tension is killing me. Really.
Claire, who has a major abandonment issues, is abandoned by the cool kids but makes a crazy face and follows them through the jungle to the sail boat. Claire confronts them, Kate tries to do some dramatic acting, unfortunately is not shot in the heart, and everything is cool before you know it… or is it? Jack ruins everything when he decides to start thinking. Jack thinks maybe they should stay on the island because Locke wants them to leave the island. I’m reminded of a certain incident involving the detonation of a nuke. We’re not going to help detonate the nuke, we’re getting on the sub, now we’re going to help so we’re getting off the sub, now we’re not helping, now we are because I saw you look at her, hey maybe we shouldn’t do this because it could be the thing that caused the incident.
The three major players in this drama are Locke/MIB, Widmore, and Jacob. No one has tried asking any of them any pertinent questions about what is going on. Our band of merry morons are in a life and death situation, have been told the fate of humanity is at risk, and they make decisions based on… what? It’s all contrived silliness to try and create tension and delay moving the plot anywhere. The characters are morons.
The sail boat crew arrives at Hydra island and are met by Widmore’s all-purpose geophysicist/mercenary/Sayid’s nurse/negotiator/gun toting guard. She tells Sawyer the deal is off. Imagine that. Widmore is backing out of the deal. Sawyer should have made him pinky swear. Bad move con man.
And now the big moment no one has been waiting for. Jin pops up on the beach (because he’s apparently able to roam around freely) and is finally reunited with Sun. Years of “Where’s Jin” and “I must find my wife” have finally paid off. Oh, and Sun can conveniently speak English again. I’m glad that plot line paid off well. Lindelof and Cuse are geniuses.
Jack is back on the beach with Locke. Widmore starts firing mortar rounds one at a time from 2 miles away. Jack goes down but Locke carries Bubba to safety Forrest Gump style. This gives him the chance to delvier the line, “It’s OK. You’re with me now” while dramatic music lets me know the plot is really heating up. No really, this time they mean it.